MY TESTIMONY

How do I start? I guess there is much to say since the title presupposes a life story although I believe the length of my testimony should depend on the length of my Christian walk, thus it could be short like a testament to future hopes and aspirations or a lengthy story like a memoirs of an old Christian soldier.

In actual fact, the length of this testimony is dependant on the story itself and not the length of my Christian walk. I have so many stories to tell, I now understand what motivated brother Paul to write those epochal letters to the churches in Asia Minor, it wasn’t because he had seen the future role that his letters would play in the development of the Bible’s New Testament, I believe it was because he needed to tell his story, the churches where disintegrating before his very eyes, his days where numbered and he knew it, I believe he wrote those letters to free his soul from its human frailty, his fears and his burden.

I have to admit, I am writing this for selfish reasons, I believe that the act of reducing my story to writing will somehow help to put me back on track as I am going through a time of testing and spiritual dislocation, what do I mean? I couldn’t put it more succinctly even if I tried, as I sit in my living room, I sit as a man with a heavy heart, I tell you in a way I am desperate I sincerely hope that my testimony will lighten the burden on my heart and free my spirit for it was made to be free, it was made to fly.

The beginning

It all began with my father, I believe that my first contact with the gospel was in the wide halls of a white garment church, barefoot and a little confused I went to church every Sunday to sit with the fruits for that is what the little kids like me where called, ‘eso’ meaning fruits.

my first contact with evangelistic firebrand Pentecostalism came much later, as my brother full of the holy spirit and the zeal of youth would not let me or my younger siblings rest until he had given us the full measure of whatever revelation came to his pure heart that day, it is to him I owe my eventual repentance and introduction to the family of faith and I continue to owe him a depth of gratitude till this day and tomorrow.

I cannot tell this story without mention of my brother, john was my role model, he was my first teacher, I saw reality through his eyes and am not ashamed to say that I whatever I am or become pales into significance in the light of who my brother was, I will always remain in his shadow, even though he is no more with us, as I sit here I am sure he would have had some good advise to give me, ah…john would have known what to do!

Every body has a story to tell, every one has his own testimony of personal hardship and triumph through great adversity, I have heard some story’s and I must confess, my experience through the valley of the shadow of death pales beside some of the horror to victory stories I have had the privilege of hearing. That said no one person can share the pain of another and so no story of pain and suffering is greater than another.

I have been told that I talk too much; this must indeed be true but in truth I prefer not to talk at all, I find it tiresome indeed to carry on conversation I fear that I say the wrong things sometimes and that I don’t like at all. I prefer to write instead, thus by reducing my testimony into writing I give who ever reads it a fear chance not to be bored to death by my continuous yapping.

Why did I choose to follow Christ? My brother chose Christ and at a point crumbled into sickness mental and physical for more than a decade until he was reduced to nothing but a babbling invalid, cycles of sanity and insanity made him mad and depressed in painful intervals, and I watched on feeling impotent. All my life he had stood up for me, and when he needed me the most I stood there unable to do anything, yes I prayed my heart out till my heart grew cold and my tears dried up I went for night vigils and revivals, I fasted slowly and painfully and I cannot remember the rest.

When he died I was relieved and depressed at the same time one causing the other, then I heard of the story of how he had decided to forego staying in England for his little brother who had been denied longer stay in the Queen’s land and it made me feel worse.

I never knew my mother but I hear she was a good woman with a good heart, she died trying to please others, my brother died for the same reason I believe, so I carry the legacy of the good hearted in my blood, apparently people like us aren’t supposed to live long, we are too vulnerable to this world.

So far my heart has taken a whole bunch of knocks and still it beats, ironically, it is this same Jesus, who I hated for a season because I believed my brother deserved to live and not die like he did, this same Jesus that I turn to all the time I sit here today because of this Jesus, I live and am not dead, I survive where others would have died, can still smile because of my firm belief in the Hope that is mine in Christ, this same Jesus.

There is something to be said for intercessory prayer for I believe that prayers from the lips of my mother and passed down to my brother and now to me, I carry the burden now, I wonder who I will pass it too?

Getting back to my testimony, there came a day when I had to face the decision to either follow Christ or face the world when I walked out of my father’s house I had just had a gut wrenching fight with my brother, he had started to loose it and fire darts of pain into every bodies heart and I stepped up to fight him and eventually there was silence.

I left the house I never wanted to ever go back, I sat on the fence and faced the choice, leave this house of pain and never look back or go back in and share a room with my brother, in case he needed my attention during the night. I choose pain over the temporary release of freedom I chose the freedom to live in pain and agony as a watched my brother degenerate before my very eyes why did I choose this? It was this Jesus, I swear it, I believed that somehow it would all be well and we would laugh again as a family like before, I had hope…hope is a beautiful thing to have I tell you, it keeps me alive to this day, I may not have enough faith, and I may be too human to truly show sacrificial love but hope, yes I have that, it is the glue that binds it all together and thankfully even common men like me, men who have yet to move the earth with share force of faith have the grace of God to carry Hope in our hearts is in itself a great act of mercy on Gods part.

At a point you face compromise, my father dropped his faith in the church and faced other means to solve the problem, needless to say the problem was not solved I stand and declare with all my heart and to the shame of the devil: trusting in men, the poultices and the charms of men, there promises of cures and demand for sacrifices, I stand to declare that witchcraft, demonism and all secret abominable that men are tempted to depend on when in great need is nothing but a lie and tragic falsehood I stand to declare for I have seen it all, it only makes the story sadder to this truth I testify.

When I touched heaven

My encounter with the Holy Spirit was sudden and powerful, I remember sitting in the sports centre after Sunday fellowship crying like a baby, I didn’t understand it, I was inconsolable I cried for a long time my heart broke into a thousand pieces, a brother in Christ told me what was happening, he said it was the holy spirit making his triumphant entry into my heart, or something like that, I am aware that it comes to us in different ways but I can surely say that at that time I became a true Christian.

I remember the nights alone with God under the sky just me and Him, I used to watch out for shooting stars in the clear starry night, I used to pray for everything and everyone, I testify that a relationship with God is a real thing, the joy of knowing you matter in the scheme of things, knowing you have a big God that cares enough to share a moment with you, I was in synch.

Why do I use the past tense? Because I am not in synch anymore, I have reached that stage in my life when self truly asserts itself, then I had dreams now I have expectations, a good job, nice income, house, wife, kids, social relevance in that order, now I can hardly hear God for the noise coming from my flesh crying like baby vultures, I want, a want, I want no letting up. I used to ask God what He wanted…now I have no such patience, I am behind on a couple of things, a car seems to be my latest focal point, a car…once upon a time I stood in the gap for nations, now all I want is a nice car…that is sad.

What about a wife? Aah…a wife, I met and fell in love with a beautiful girl in school and we stood out as the quintessential Christian couple, I mean we were role models in school then, the intensity of my relationship with God started to wane at that time, I was to preoccupied with building a strong relationship with my wife to be…..but she was the apple of my eye, I remember the long walks, the things we shared, I can go down to my grave knowing that at least I enjoyed the fresh love of youth at least I felt so, when I look back at does days I can say with benefit of hindsight that my closeness to God took the back seat, yes I thought I had found the key to fulfilment, I was wrong.

My relationship lasted almost 7 years before it was shattered by a series of events that leave me wondering to this day, I need to talk about this because it indeed an important part of my testimony, there is something about a relationship that opens one up to great troubles, I mean when you are just friends your faults can be forgiven and even overlooked, but when you are in a relationship then pray it works out because if it doesn’t your faults become the talk of the town for a season, you may not survive it.

My precious Tulip for that is what I called her decided one day that the relationship would never work and opted out, she took the pains to list all the reasons why it would not work and in the process catalogued all my weaknesses and shortcomings I was defenceless against the onslaught, I could not deny any of it, for almost a decade she had been a custodian of my hidden faults and I hers, I didn’t stand a chance.

I stand here to testify that inspite of the fact that we walk away from God every time we think we have found an alternative “human” source of happiness, He waits patiently for us to discover just how wrong we are and accepts our broken hearts back into his presence every time. I also testify that there is no substitute for Gods love to all of us, getting all our desires will only leave us more empty than before, its like digging a hole in an attempt to get to higher ground, an exercise in futility I tell you.

Ever since that important and peculiarly painful experience I have floundered and struggled with myself, I have eagerly tried to love again only to find out that the women that I have pursued are already taken, no vacancy for a stranded, wounded man who nevertheless has a good heart but little or no courting skills I have failed magnificently but I learned a couple of things along the way.

Now I sit and write this I can safely say my searching for love and passion in the arms of a woman are officially ended, I have thought about this carefully, if you search for the love, if you seek it and attempt to isolate it in one fair maiden or the other, you will find only mist, smoke and mirrors and a long line of women who at best will politely opt to be your ‘friend’ instead. In this particular endeavour, the giver is doomed to suffer, all the time.

Inspite of this discovery I still advise this, don’t search for love, give it to every man woman and child that comes your way, give it freely as best as you can, I believe that love is a perfume that never wanes, the more you use it the stronger its scent, I stand to testify that friend is all I will be until God Himself deems it fit to knock me out and provide my own eve for me. This is off course my approach, I do not advise it to all, I just believe that it is what I need to do at this season.

I am taking a pilgrimage back to the God that first loved me, I need to find out the length and breath and depth of that love, He says He will reward me if I diligently seek Him, I stand to testify that He has been faithful thus far, every single time I have turned my face to Him and cried for His intervention in my life, He has come to my rescue, I stand to testify that I am not worthy of His interventions for my righteousness is indeed as a filthy rag, but for some reason which a cannot fathom, He Has never let me down, even when I stubbornly plunged into the wide highway of sin He draws me back with cords of love that I can safely say cannot be broken.

If I had all the time in the world I could not finish talking about the mystery of a man and a maiden, I for one believe that it will remain a mystery and a painful episode in my life as I learnt that focussing all your hopes for happiness on another is a foolishness we always succumb to inspite of the fact that we are proven to be fools every single time.

I seek to touch heaven again like in the old days when I didn’t have all these ‘desires’ assail my heart I seek to know Him more and devote my life to knowing Him I stand to testify that He will never leave you, nor forsake you, nor remember all your faults, nor allow you to fall into the hands of the evil one, for my life is proof of this.

When I received a vision

I believe that all men and women have been given a job to do within there mortal existence, I testify that God has a definite, personal plan for all of us, that cut across every single aspect of our lives, I am not talking about a ‘religious experience’ here but a real life specific impact full task that He wants us all to carry out before we die.

I remember when I first caught a glimpse of my own task. I was in His presence in School and he started talking to me, in clear language, He told me what I would become, what I needed to do, He even started to tell me How I would achieve this seemingly impossible mission, in effect God unlocked my purpose from its hiding place, my own heart.

I cannot but mention the role played by a select group of friends who brought me into there tight group and helped me flesh out my true calling, to the Three, I owe a depth of gratitude and memories that will forever warm my heart. I stand to testify that God gave me a mission to accomplish, that it was clear, unambiguous and definite, that it transcends my mortal lifespan and will transform my generation, inspite of the fact that I am but a man, prone to the frailties of men and the weaknesses thereof, I can see clearly what God wants me to do, I cannot deny it, it goes beyond being active in church, being faithful in your little or big role in the body of saints, it transcends your 9 to 5 job and your 9 to 5 desires and wants, it is the very core of your existence and the key to true fulfilment on earth and citizenship in heaven, to ignore it is to ignore God, to think its not important now to discover it and run (fast) with it is to walk the path of the fool, Christ discovered His purpose in the hot wilderness and ran with it for less than 3 years, yet the world has never been the same and will never be the same, show me a great bible character that God did not give a definite, clear and unambiguous mission to accomplish and I will show you a fake Bible.

When I discovered my mission in life, at first I embraced it, but when I came face to face with the responsibility and share magnitude of it, I ran like Jacob, I am still running but so far I have not been able to escape it, I will accept it now, and I stand to testify that I will run no longer, as I said earlier, it is the key to my fulfilment in this life, all the blessings that matter, all the things I deeply desire is placed securely in the fulfilment of my mission, it looks like a ‘mission impossible’ but one thing I have learned in my short walk with Him is that He specialises in the impossible.

This is the end of my testimony for now, I have tried to capture my walk with Christ In these few pages, I consider this my own epistle, even though I realise that one never really writes his own epistle, at the end of the day all of us will be made to give account of our stewardship, in essence we will be privy to our true epistles for the first time and I sincerely hope and pray that it will tell a story of true sacrifice and victory over adversity of which as you well know is plenteous.

I stand to give this testimony to the glory of God and to the shame of the devil, and so shall it be till I no longer have breath in me, my life will glorify God and Shame the devil no matter what.

Shalom.